


These Days I Don't Even Know Myself

by homosociallyyours



Series: Days of Our Louis [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (verbal), Angst, Closeted Character, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:02:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosociallyyours/pseuds/homosociallyyours
Summary: He's been out to his family and close friends for a few years, but when he meets someone who wants to keep him a secret Louis feels compelled to stay with him. It's not consistent and it's not always good, but it's what he deserves-- except that it really isn't.Louis is in a toxic relationship, and it's Harry who finally gets him to consider that he might deserve better.





	These Days I Don't Even Know Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the wonderful celebration of Louis that the lovely [rosegoldhl](http://rosegoldhl.tumblr.com) put together, [The Five Days of Louis](http://fivedaysoflouis.tumblr.com) Project.
> 
> This particular ficlet was inspired by Louis' amazing song, "Back to You" and is the second in a mini-series that will follow childhood friends Louis and Harry through the process of coming out and realizing their love for one another. The previous ficlet took place when the boys were 16, and there's a substantial time jump here-- they're now 22. 
> 
> I hope to post something each day for the 5dol challenge, but if I'm not able to do it I'll still finish up the story!
> 
> Finally, this story is unbetaed, so all mistakes are 100% mine!

Louis’ mobile buzzed in his pocket and he scanned the crowded pub until he spotted Reggie standing at the bar, head turning to follow the bartender’s slow progress toward him. No harm in checking it, then. He tapped in his passcode and his phone showed a series of texts from Harry that Louis half considered avoiding before he admitted to himself that he simply couldn’t.

Harry: Hey you never answered me earlier  
Harry: Do you want to go out later tonight?  
Harry: Or stay in maybe?  
Harry: My flatmates will suffer through another viewing of the notebook if I make scones on Sunday so that’s always an option  
Harry: Now it feels like you’re ignoring me  
Harry: Please say you’re not out with Reg again?

“Oi, move yer arse and let me boys in, Luce,” Reggie said, bumping Louis’ shoulder with his own and making Louis’ chair wobble and nearly topple over. “Get off with yer silly mates, it’s a good old lads night now, innit?”

Louis quickly shoved his phone in his pocket and stood up from his chair, letting Reggie’s friends shove up against the table before settling back in and taking a long pull off the pint that was in front of him and faking a laugh at something one of Reggie’s friends had said. He wanted to respond to Harry, but he knew that nothing he could say would be right. What Harry always hoped to hear was that Louis had broken things off with Reggie and was going to start seeing someone who didn’t expect to keep him as a shameful drunken secret. And that? Well, it wasn’t happening tonight.

*

Reggie was short but thick and well-muscled, with messy blonde hair and light brown eyes and the kind of laugh that took up an entire room, and Louis hadn’t considered being attracted to him when they first met. The two of them were part of a footie league that played in town and organized buses to go to larger professional matches sometimes. Reggie was a good player, solid and strong but not nearly as fast as Louis, and they often ended up working together because of their complementary skill sets.

It wasn’t long before Reggie invited Louis out drinking with a few of the other men from the league, and Louis accepted. They had a good time, Reggie laughing at Louis’ teasing and the tales of his pranks, and Louis enjoying the ease of spending time with someone who didn’t know much about him and who didn’t care to ask. He felt in control, and he liked it. Liked being just another funny bloke from the football league sharing pints and yelling about the most recent match.

Of course, it was never supposed to be more than that. Then Louis had gotten a bit too pissed one night and ended up sharing a cab back to Reg’s flat, stumbling up his staircase and half-falling onto his couch with Reggie doing the same right alongside him, pulling Louis closer and saying something about how pretty he looked with his hair a mess. The sweetness of it made him smile and burrow against Reggie’s chest, and all at once Reggie had started talking-- really talking --about his life and childhood and history, and Louis had simply held on, nodding, making small noises to show he was listening, eventually smoothing his hand over Reggie’s thighs as he talked about how he’d been with men once or twice and liked it. He’d let Reggie take his hand and he’d tilted his face up and when they kissed he’d hummed into it, floating and sinking all at once.

They woke up pressed together on the couch, front to front, with one of Reggie’s big hands at the back of Louis’ head and the other on his bum, and they’d kissed again, hungover but not still drunk, and it wasn’t bad at all. If anything, it was shockingly gentle, Reggie placing tender kisses along Louis’ jaw and nosing against his ear, whispering a “good morning” with his rough voice.

But once they were both up and had a piss, it changed. Reggie was back to his old self, loud and funny and a bit abrasive, and he clapped Louis on the back when he said goodbye as though they hadn’t spent the night curled into one another with Reggie drunkenly spilling his life story at Louis’ feet.

If it had only happened one time, it wouldn’t have mattered so much. But it started to become a regular occurence. Louis could sense when it was coming. Reggie would buy him a shot of whiskey with every pint, and he’d make a point of shoving up next to Louis, bumping their shoulders together or kicking at his feet with a glint in his eye. They’d end up back at Reg’s place, Reggie pulling Louis onto his couch or pushing him into bed, talking about his hard week at work between kisses and touching and sex that bordered on too tender for Louis’ liking.

He finally decided to talk about it with Harry. The only reason he hadn’t is that he knew what Harry’s response would be, and he didn’t want to hear it.

“Lou, it sounds like this guy wants you to be in a closet with him. I don’t think you should.” Harry was leaning across the table at their favorite pizza place, keeping his voice low. “You worked so hard to come out to your family, and-- doesn’t it just feel like you’re taking a step back?” He reached out and put his hand over Louis’ and waited for Louis to look up at him, but Louis just stared down at the rings on Harry’s fingers instead, not wanting to see the pleading in his eyes.

“We’re just having a good time,” Louis said, finally glancing up at Harry and then looking away as soon as he saw the disappointment in his eyes. “He’s a laugh, you might even like him.”

Of course Harry didn’t like him. The few times they’d tried to go out, Reggie had almost immediately made a gay joke and Harry had bristled, calling him out for it. Louis had elbowed Reg in the side right away, but that only seemed to make him want to do it again. And again. After three or four nights out with the same results, Harry simply refused to keep trying.  
  
When Louis mentioned it to Reggie, he ended up being dragged into the men’s room, Reg kissing him against the door harder and hotter than usual and whispering about taking him home that night. Louis gave in, not necessarily because he wanted to, but because he felt like it just made sense. What he had with Reggie wasn’t good, but it was right. It fit his life. It was simple, but messy; not really something he was proud of but still something he couldn’t quite imagine relinquishing.

By now, it went in waves. He wouldn’t see Reggie for a few weeks, and then they’d go out and Louis would end up right back at Reg’s house at the end of the night. Laughter and sweetness and that same shocking tenderness that always seemed to get him. They’d be together for a month or two, and then Reggie would pull away. He’d put Louis in a cab and shut the door instead of getting in too, and that was the end. No discussion. Like it was a game.

Yet somehow Louis always fell right back into it.

*

Louis excused himself and headed for the men’s room, considering if he should get another beer or if he should get out early, maybe break the stupid cycle he had with Reggie. He pulled out his phone once he’d gotten away from the crowds, the bright screen illuminating the dark hallway by the toilets. Harry had sent a few more texts, and he scrolled through them, trying to figure out a good response.

Harry: Yeah ok you’re definitely with him  
Harry: Please text me  
Harry: I just wanna help you Lou  
Harry: You don’t need him in your life

Louis bit his lip and looked around, spotting a door that led to the alley behind the pub. As he pushed through it, he hit the call button, wondering if Harry would answer.

He picked up just after the first ring. “Lou? What’s wrong?”

“Why do you think I should get him out of my life? You haven’t seen it, but he can be really sweet to me. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true Haz. It is.”

“Yeah,” Harry said with a sigh. “You’ve told me that before. And I’m sure it feels that way. But when you’re out, he yells at you, calls you names, acts like a real dickhead. You don’t deserve that.” Harry paused, considering his next words carefully. “And I don’t think he knows you. Like, when you’ve told me about the time you’ve spent together it’s as though he’s only there for himself. You should have someone who listens to you as much as you listen to him. Someone supportive.”

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his hand over them until he saw stars. “Someone like you?” he asked. It wasn’t at all what he’d meant to say. And yet he’d said it. He listened as Harry took a breath. Then another.

“Maybe?” Harry said, voice cracking with emotion. It came out like a mix of a question and a promise, and that was enough.

Louis patted at his pockets to see if he’d left anything inside, smiling with relief when he realized he hadn’t. “I’m coming over,” he said.

Harry answered him with a whispered, “okay,” and they both ended the call, Louis setting out toward Harry’s flat. It wasn’t more than a twenty minute walk, and the night was mild enough that Louis thought it might do him good. When he turned onto Harry’s street, he heard his phone ring, and pulled it out of his pocket, answering it without checking to see who it was.

“I’m almost there, give me five minutes,” Louis said, starting to quicken his pace.

“Where’re you at, sweetheart?” Reggie said, already slurring his words. His voice was gentle, though, and Louis guessed that he was outside, away from his friends. “Thought ya might be waitin' for me in the gent’s but didn’t find you there. Forget somethin', then?”

“I left, Reg. I don’t feel like going home with you tonight. Thought maybe we could--”

“Who asked you to?” Reg asked, any traces of tenderness gone from his voice. “I wouldn’t’ve.”

Louis didn’t see the point in arguing. “No, you wouldn’t. Glad we’ve settled it. Go back in and have a good time with your mates, yeah?” He could hear Reggie breathing heavily on the other end of the line, and momentarily considered ringing off without another word, letting Reg figure it out on his own. Before he could do that, Reggie broke the silence. 

“I know you. And I know you’ll be comin' back for more a’ me sooner or later. Always have done. Whether I ask you round or not.”

Louis had reached Harry’s flat and was looking up at the window that he knew belonged to Harry, wondering if he should ring the bell and go up now, or wait til he’d gotten off the phone with Reggie. Something was about to change, he could feel it just at the edges of his awareness. It just needed a break. An ending that could create a new beginning.

“You think you know me, Reg? I barely know myself right now.” Louis let out a bitter laugh at the truth of that statement. He’d been hiding away for too long, not able to look himself in the eye. “Do me a favor? Lose my fuckin' number.” He ended the call and blocked Reggie’s number immediately, knowing that if he didn’t he’d be getting a string of drunken phone calls later that night.  
  
Louis took one more look up to Harry’s window before reaching out to ring the bell, and was surprised to see his friend looking back down at him, watching him with hopeful eyes. Louis raised his hand in a wave and Harry did the same before gesturing toward his own door and disappearing, the sound of the flat’s buzzer sounding moments later.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! If you want to [say hi on tumblr](http://homosociallyyours.tumblr.com) I love making friends, and if you want to reblog a fic post it'll be along shortly. In the meantime please do check out the[#5dol](http://www.tumblr.com/search/5dol) tag on tumblr!


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